Employee: boss pwede ba ako nalang ang papalit dun pwesto sa manager natin na kamamatay lang?
Boss: ok lang sa akin na ikaw ang pumalit sa kanya, ewan ko lang kung papayag ang punerarya.
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
The Top Phone Moments
1. Knowstrils - Caller: “May I speak with Mr.Robert Chan please?” Secretary: “He’s not here, I’m afraid.” Caller: “Why are you afraid?” Secretary: (pause) “Because he’s not here?”
2. Chesapeak - I called my friend who has a Japanese boss. Me: “Hello, is Tina there?” Boss: “She is present in the office, but absent on her desk right now.”
3. Doorknob - Someone called our home phone and asked, “Hello, puwede makipag-penpal?”
4. Beth - My friend called her boyfriend’s house. Friend: “Hello, si Tonton?” Girl: “Sino ‘to?” Friend: “Si Tintin. Eh ito, sino ‘to?” Girl: “Si Tantan.”
5. Selle - Someone called and asked, “Puwede kay Anna?” I replied, “Walang Anna dito.” The caller then said, “Ay…alam mo ba number niya?”
6. No name - An unlisted number called my cellphone at 11pm. I answered, and a lady angrily said, “Cellphone ng asawa ko ‘to, bakit nasa ‘yo?”
7. W8ing2bfound - I was calling my friend angel but I wasn’t sure of her number. And so I went, “Meron po bang nakatirang angel diyan?” To which the woman on the other end answered, “Walang nakatirang angel dito! Puro demonyo tao dito!”
8. Jacq-jacq - An officemate was directing our messenger over the phone. Officemate: “Hanapin mo yung Petnis Pers! (Fitness First)” Messenger: “Ano, hanapin ko si Bretni Spers?”
9. Doc’s daughter - My brother’s phone rang. When he checked, it was our mom. But she was sitting right there beside him in the car. Later, they found my mom’s phone in her room…turned off.
10. Nabby - My grandma once called the house, asking, “Hello, nandiyan ba ko?”
11. Loipogi - Someone called the office and said: “Nandiyan ba si Gab?” I said, “Wala.” Then the guy said: “Alam ko, nandito siya sa bahay eh. Naka-leave!”
12. Sheshe - At our office, I was about to send a fax, when I said, “Fax tone, please.” The person at the other end of the line replied: “Walang paks tom na nakatira dito.”
13. E3c - My officemate Ben received a call from Per, asking for another officemate, Luz. So Ben shouted, “LUZ, si per! Luuuz, si peeerrr!!!” Inulit-ulit pa.
14. Curt Smith - We were listening to the radio at the office when my officemate changed the dial and started picking up a conversation between our v.p. & his secret mistress. That’s how we discovered their love affair. Our v.p. was using a wireless phone, maybe that had the same frequency of the radio.
15. Espeks - This happened to a friend. Nakunan ang asawa ng brother niya at the time. From the hospital, the wife called home just to test kung magri-ring kasi naisira yung phone, and dapat that day maaayos. After 2 rings, she was shocked when a little child answered and said “hello”. Eh wala namang tao sa bahay nila. She immediately put the phone down.
16. Hanazawa Rui - When I answered a phone call in the office, a kid suddenly sang “Don’t matter if they see us together, but it don’t matter now…” I then replied: “Coz I got you!”
17. No name - A friend called his driver and said, “Manong, pasundo ako sa Ice Monster.” The driver answered, “Okey, saan ba ang bahay niya?
18. Sender - When a caller asked for a certain “Andrea”, I asked him what number he was calling. When he gave me our correct landline number, I ended up saying, “Right number, pero wrong number.”
19. Purrfect Katrina - I was expecting my boyfriend to call any minute, so when the phone rang, I said hurriedly, “Hello? Let’s go out tomorrow. I’ll tell my mom I’m going out with my friends!” After a long pause, the voice at the other end of the line said, “Katrina…this is your mom, and you’re grounded!”
20. Alem - I called up a friend and their maid answered. Me: “Nandiyan po ba si Susan?” Maid: “Nandito.” Me: “Pwede po ba siyang makausap?” Maid: “Pwede.” Me: “Uhm…pwede mo siyang tawagin?” Maid: “Pwede din…”
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
meron isang lalaki na nakasakay sa camel ay binalak tawirin ang isang mahabang disyerto, sa tagal ng paglalakbay nya, ay d na nya namalayan na sya ay tuluyan nang naligaw, ang oras ay naging araw at ang araw ay naging linggo, ang linggo ay naging buwan sa tagal ng paglalakbay at ang kaisaisang kasama ay ang camel nya, tinamaan ng kalungkutan at pagsabik sa babae...lagi nyang dinarasal na sana makakita na sya ng isang bayan na kung saan ay meron babae, "kahit pangit, papatulan ko na!" ani ng lalaki... napansin nya nalang na babae pala ang camel nya, sa sabik, sinabi sa sarili.."tutal ako lang naman magisa dito, at walang makakaalam" at nang hinanda na nya ang intention para, makasiping ang camel, sa bawat kadyot nito... ay nadudulas ang camel dahil sa buhangin, ilang beses nya nang sinusubukan ito , pero d nya magawa. nafrufrustrate na sya, at naiiyak dahil sa sabik, hangang may nakita syang isang babae, napakaganda at napakasexy... magisang naglalakad sa gitna ng disyerto, tila ito ay naligaw din, dali dalian nyang tinawag ang babe, sabi nya kung pwede syang tulungan para mapawi ang pagkasabik nyang makaraos, nangiti ang babae at sinabing "oo, ano gusto mong gawin ko?" .... "salamat! hulog ka nga talaga ng langit!", ani ng lalaki, ... "kung pwede paki hawakan ang camel para d ito umusog habang kinakadyot ko!"
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
this menu is in one "carenderia" near naia airport.
So, maybe next time you are around the area, you might as well dine-in there, and check out their menu; as you go on, it becomes interesting and more flavorful!!! (this is based on true facts...)
1. tapsilog - Tapa, Sinangag, Itlog
2. longsilog - Longganisa, Sinangag, Itlog
3. azucarera - Adobong Aso
7. luglog - Lugaw, Itlog
8. pakaplog - Pandesal, Kape, Itlog
9. kalog - Kanin, Itlog
10. PAkalog - Pandesal, Kanin, Itlog
11. Maalog na betlog - Maalat na Itlog, Pakbet, Itlog
14. Himas - Hipon Malasado
15. Himas SUSO - Hipon Malasado, Sugpo, Keso
16. Himas PEKPEK - Hipon Malasado, Kropek, Pinekpekan
17. Pekpek mong malaki - Kropek, Pinekpekan, Monggo, Malasado, Laing, Kilawin
18. Dila - Dinuguan, Laing
19. DilaAN MO - Dinuguan, Laing, Dalandan, Molo
20. Boka boka - Bopis, Kanin, Bokayo, Kape
21. Boka boka MO PA - Bopis, Kanin, Bokayo, Kape, Molong Pancit
22. Kantot - Kanin, Tortang Talong
23. Kantot PA - Kanin, Tortang Talong, Pancit
24. SIGE Kantot PA - Sinigang na Pige, Kanin, Tortang Talong, Pancit
25. SIGE Kantot PA IBAON MO - Sinigang na Pige, Kanin, Tortang Talong, Pancit - Take out
26. SIGE Kantot PA HA - Sinigang na Pige, Kanin, Tortang Talong, Pancit, Halo-halo
27. SIGE Kantot PAIBAON MO PAPA - Sinigang na Pige, Kanin, Tortang Talong, Pancit... Take out with Ketchup
28. PAKantot - Pandesal, Kanin, Tortang Talong
29. PAPAKantot - Papaitan, Kanin, Tortang Talong
30. PAPAKantot KA BA - Papaitan, Kanin, Tortang Talong, Kapeng Barako
31. PAKantot SA YO - Pandesal, Kanin, Tortang Talong, Saging + Yosi
32. PAKantot KA - Pandesal, Kanin, Tortang Talong, Kape
33. PAKantot KA HABANG MATIGAS PA - Pandesal, Kanin, Tortang Talong, Kape, Inihaw na Bangus, Maruya, Tinola, Ginisang Aso, Pancit
34. Subo - Sugpo, Bopis
35. Subo MO - Sugpo, Bopis, Molo
36. Subo MO PA - Sugpo, Bopis, Molo, Pancit
37. Subo MO PA MAIGE - Sugpo, Bopis, Molo, Mais, Pige
38. Subo MO TITE KO - Sugpo, Bopis, Tinola, Teryaki, Kochinta
39. Subo MO TITE KO BILIS - Sugpo, Bopis, Tinola Teryaki, Kochinta, Bihon, Tawilis
40. Subo MO TITE KO BILIS, hayop! - ...same as #39, minura mo lang yung waiter kasi ang tagal ng order.
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes
That's not right...
Sum Ting Wong
Are you harboring a fugitive?...
Hu Yu Hai Ding?
See me asap...
Kum Hia Nao
Stupid Man...
Dum Gai
Small Horse...
Tai Ni Po Ni
Did you go to the beach?...
Wai Yu So Tan?
I bumped into a coffee table...
Ai Bang Mai Ni
I think you need a face lift...
Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here...
Wai So Dim?
I thought you were on a diet...
Wai Yu Mun Ching?
This is a tow away zone...
No Pah King
Our meeting is scheduled for next week...
Wai Yu Kum Nao?
Staying out of sight...
Lei Ying Lo
He's cleaning his automobile...
Wa Shing Ka
Your body odor is offensive...
Yu Sting Ki Pu!
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Saturday, January 23, 2010
An Arab Sheikh was admitted to the Philippine Heart Center in Manila for a heart transplant, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his blood in case need arises. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out to a number of provinces.
Finally an Ilocano was located who had a similar type of blood. The Ilocano willingly donated his blood for the Arab.
After the surgery, the Arab sent the Ilocano as appreciation for giving his blood, a new Toyota Prado, diamonds, jewelry, and a million US dollars.
Once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned the Ilocano who was more than happy to donate his blood again.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Ilocano a thank you card and a jar of Almond halwa sweets.
The Ilocano was shocked that the Arab this time did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated. He phoned the Arab and asked him: “I thought that you would be generous again, that you would again give me aToyota Prado, Money, Diamonds and Jewelry...but you only gave me a thank you card and a jar of Almond sweets”.
To this, the Arab replied:
“Manong...I now have Ilocano blood in my veins.”
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
Pasyente visit a doctor for a check up.
Doctor: anong problema?
Pasyente:paki-check lang po itong "ari" ko.
Doctor: Ok,hubo' para makita..
Nang makita "ito" ng doctor,napatawa ng malakas ang doctor,dahil singlaki lang ito ng
AAA size na battery.
Pasyente:nasaan po yong code of ethics nyo? Hindi dapat pagtawanan ang isang pasyente.
Doctor(trying to recover):Sori,di na maulit.Anong problema?
Pasyente: Ito nga po,"namamaga"
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
At a Megalink ATM:
“oof line” (ha-ha-ha nakita ko 'to!)
On a wall in Laloma street, a sign says
“huli ihi, putol titi”
Nakasulat sa pader:
“marunong ka bang kumahol? Aso lang ang umiihi dito!”
Along a highway in Pampanga:
“we make modern antique furniture”
On a self-service restaurant in Cebu:
“please help our comfort room clean”
In a Baguio grocery:
“fresh frozen chicken sold here”
On a house beside an auto repair shop:
“no parking and repair here”
Signs at philcoa:
“no crossing pedestrians will be apprehended”
In Baguio Country Club:
“temporary close”
In Cubao:
“none id nothing entry”
On a parking lot:
“taxi and outside car not allowed”
Office Clinic in Sta. Cruz:
“DR. Sakim a. Morge. MD”
Along Luneta Boulevard:
“bawal tumae sa bulevard”
On Jeepney and Bus signs:
“before pay, tell where get the on before get the off”
On a Flower shop in Rizal Avenue:
“we sell artificial fresh flowers”
On a delivery truck:
“not for here”
On window of a restaurant in Baguio:
“wanted: boy waitress”
On a street in San Juan:
“bawal magtapon ng binalot na tae rito”
A graffiti inside the cubicle of a ladies' C.R. in a university:
“please don't sit like a frog, sit like a queen.”
At a men's comfort room, above a urinal:
“hawak mo ang kinabukasan ng bayan”
On a truck:
“kung nababasa mo 'TO, PAG-nautot ako maaamoy mo"
At a construction site in Mandaluyong:
“bawal omehi dito. Ang maholi bog-BOG”
Somewhere along San Andres:
“no urinating, on the over walls”
On a vacant lot near Makati Ave.:
“DON't parking”
At an eatery in Cebu:
“we hab sopdrink in can and in batol!”
At a store somewhere in Pangasinan:
“we sell robber shoes”
And this is the best of them all!!!
On a building somewhere in the Philippines.....
“notary public tumatanggap din ng labada kung linggo”
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
Namatay ang isang mister na babaero. Sa requiem mass, sinabi ng pari patungkol sa namatay, "An honest man, a good man, a family man" et cetera.
Binulungan ng biyuda ang panganay na anak, Pakisilip nga ang kabaong kung ang daddy mo nga ang nasa loob!"
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
promdi: 'Lam ko promdi lang ako kaya wag mo kong lolokohin! Bakit ganito ang kwarto ko?!?! Maliit, wala pang kama at bintana..... ha?!?!
roomboy: Sir, nasa elevator pa lang po tayo...
Finally an Ilocano was located who had a similar type of blood. The Ilocano willingly donated his blood for the Arab.
After the surgery, the Arab sent the Ilocano as appreciation for giving his blood, a new Toyota Prado, diamonds, jewelry, and a million US dollars.
Once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned the Ilocano who was more than happy to donate his blood again.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Ilocano a thank you card and a jar of Almond halwa sweets.
The Ilocano was shocked that the Arab this time did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated. He phoned the Arab and asked him: “I thought that you would be generous again, that you would again give me aToyota Prado, Money, Diamonds and Jewelry...but you only gave me a thank you card and a jar of Almond sweets”.
To this, the Arab replied:
“Manong...I now have Ilocano blood in my veins.”
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
Pasyente visit a doctor for a check up.
Doctor: anong problema?
Pasyente:paki-check lang po itong "ari" ko.
Doctor: Ok,hubo' para makita..
Nang makita "ito" ng doctor,napatawa ng malakas ang doctor,dahil singlaki lang ito ng
AAA size na battery.
Pasyente:nasaan po yong code of ethics nyo? Hindi dapat pagtawanan ang isang pasyente.
Doctor(trying to recover):Sori,di na maulit.Anong problema?
Pasyente: Ito nga po,"namamaga"
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
At a Megalink ATM:
“oof line” (ha-ha-ha nakita ko 'to!)
On a wall in Laloma street, a sign says
“huli ihi, putol titi”
Nakasulat sa pader:
“marunong ka bang kumahol? Aso lang ang umiihi dito!”
Along a highway in Pampanga:
“we make modern antique furniture”
On a self-service restaurant in Cebu:
“please help our comfort room clean”
In a Baguio grocery:
“fresh frozen chicken sold here”
On a house beside an auto repair shop:
“no parking and repair here”
Signs at philcoa:
“no crossing pedestrians will be apprehended”
In Baguio Country Club:
“temporary close”
In Cubao:
“none id nothing entry”
On a parking lot:
“taxi and outside car not allowed”
Office Clinic in Sta. Cruz:
“DR. Sakim a. Morge. MD”
Along Luneta Boulevard:
“bawal tumae sa bulevard”
On Jeepney and Bus signs:
“before pay, tell where get the on before get the off”
On a Flower shop in Rizal Avenue:
“we sell artificial fresh flowers”
On a delivery truck:
“not for here”
On window of a restaurant in Baguio:
“wanted: boy waitress”
On a street in San Juan:
“bawal magtapon ng binalot na tae rito”
A graffiti inside the cubicle of a ladies' C.R. in a university:
“please don't sit like a frog, sit like a queen.”
At a men's comfort room, above a urinal:
“hawak mo ang kinabukasan ng bayan”
On a truck:
“kung nababasa mo 'TO, PAG-nautot ako maaamoy mo"
At a construction site in Mandaluyong:
“bawal omehi dito. Ang maholi bog-BOG”
Somewhere along San Andres:
“no urinating, on the over walls”
On a vacant lot near Makati Ave.:
“DON't parking”
At an eatery in Cebu:
“we hab sopdrink in can and in batol!”
At a store somewhere in Pangasinan:
“we sell robber shoes”
And this is the best of them all!!!
On a building somewhere in the Philippines.....
“notary public tumatanggap din ng labada kung linggo”
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
Namatay ang isang mister na babaero. Sa requiem mass, sinabi ng pari patungkol sa namatay, "An honest man, a good man, a family man" et cetera.
Binulungan ng biyuda ang panganay na anak, Pakisilip nga ang kabaong kung ang daddy mo nga ang nasa loob!"
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
promdi: 'Lam ko promdi lang ako kaya wag mo kong lolokohin! Bakit ganito ang kwarto ko?!?! Maliit, wala pang kama at bintana..... ha?!?!
roomboy: Sir, nasa elevator pa lang po tayo...
Friday, January 22, 2010
These are the words that are so unique and loaded in meaning that they will never find a direct translation in the English language.
Forget traditional dictionaries. Keep this.
1. Achuchu (A-chu-chu).
This refers to the pointless insincerities being said during long, involved conversations about nothing at all.
2. Ano (A-noh)
The all-around, all-purpose word for everything.
(1) Pronoun in interrogation: Ano? (What)
(2) Noun: Where is your ano? (Where is your father/mother/dead-uncle's-second-cousin)
(3) Verb: Anuhin this.
(Paint/kill/maim/castrate this.)
(4) Adjective: This is so ano. (This is so pretty/big/astounding.)
(5) Interjection: Ano! (What the hell!)
(6) Substitute for genitalia: Did you ano your ano?
The use of ano is quite dangerous for the untrained ear, and must be put into the proper setting. "Honey, the ano is too long, we have to cut it," must be accompanied by the proper understanding of the context, as results may be critical to a couple's future.
3. Booba (boo-bah).
A female blessed with larger than usual mammary glands, which can be used as weapons of mass destruction.
4. Checheboreche (Che-che-boh-re-che)
Same as achuchu. It is interesting to ponder on the reason why there are so many words in the Filipino language that beautifully describe meaningless chatter.
5. Epal (Eh-pal).
An individual who believes he is God.
6. Gigil (gee-gil).
An uncontrollable desire to bite something.
7. Hipon (Hee-pon).
Literally "shrimp," whose body is eaten while its head is thrown away, this refers to a female whose body is to die for and whose face looks like it belongs to the dead.
8. Kikay (kee-kay).
Refers to individuals who carry a brush, hand wash, moisturizer, lip-gloss and various other facial enhancements in a case (aptly called a kikay kit) inside her bag. Recent inspections of various backpacks have led to the conclusion it is not a purely female trait. This breed cannot resist checking themselves out on mirrors, glass windows, bread knives, sidewalk puddles and plastic-covered notebooks.
9. Kaekekan (Ka-ek-e-kahn)
Same as achuchu and chechebureche.
10. Kilig (keel-leg).
A rush of excitement due to the actions, presence or even mention of he whom you see as the future father of your children.
11. Laglag-panti (lag-lag-pan-tee).
A man so incredibly hot, so heart-stoppingly gorgeous and oozing with masculinity that female underwear (whether worn by males or females) falls to the ground without effort whatsoever.
12. Laglag-brip (lag-lag-brip).
The female counterpart of laglag-panti
13. Indyanero (In-jan-neh-ro).
An individual who fails to appear at anappointment without prior warning. Not to be confused with individuals who appear according to Filipino time (approximately 10 minutes before the meeting is to end)
14. Japorms (Jah-porms).
Describes an individual dressed differently from the usual (typically involves clothes that have been laundered and pant legs of roughly the same length).
15. Lagot (Lah-got)
A prophesy of evil things to come.
16. Para (Pah-rah).
A term that informs the driver of a jeep to stop and pause (usually in the middle of the road) as the individual speaking intends to leave the vehicle. Dangerous for individuals as drivers seem to believe having one foot in the air is all that is necessary for descent.
17. Takusa (Ta-kuh-sa).
Derived from takot sa asawa (afraid of wife), this is a term used to describe the silent (very silent) minority of males married to feminine reincarnations of
Hitler.
18. Torpe (tore-peh).
A gentleman who is desperately attracted to a female yet by some strange compulsion is reduced to a frozen mound of stuttering male whenever that female is near.
Armed with this list and a smile, you will be sure to make the proper impression not just on your new relations, but on your loved one as well. Now let's practice:
"Honey, when I first saw you,
I made laglag brip, and was almost torpe.
When I finally got the nerve to date you,
I almost became indyanero,
because I didn't think I had the right japorms.
When you're around, I'm kilig, when you're not, I get gigil.
You may think all this is achuchu, kaekekan, just checheboreche,
but in truth, my love, I'm so ano with you."
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
Somewhere in the Middle East
an arab was interviewed at US checkpoint
interviewer: name please?
arab: abdul aziz
interviewer: sex?
arab: 6x a week
interviewer: i mean male or female
arab: doesn't matter, sometimes even camel
interviewer: holy cow!
arab: yes, even cows!
interviewer: oh dear!
arab: deer? no deer! me no f_ _k! they run too fast!
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
interviewer: Ano ang plano nyo sa mga homeless?
ERAP: Marami, kaso may problema.
interviewer: Ano po yun?
ERAP: ang hirap nilang hanapin, kasi wala silang address.
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
Mrs: Dok, may lumalabas po sa akin na brownish discharge… May infection ba ako?
Dok: Gaano ka kadalas makipag-sex?
Mrs: Once a year po…
Dok: Ahh… hindi infection yan… kalawang.
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
> > > > > A store that sells husbands has just opened in New
> > > > > York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband.
> > > > > Among the instructions at the entrance is a
> > > > > description of how the store operates. You may visit
> > > > > the store only once !
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > > There are six floors and the attributes of the men
> > > > > increase as the shopper ascends the flights.. There is,
> > > > > however, a catch . . .. you may choose any man from a
> > > > > particular floor, or you may choose to go up a
> > > > >
> > > > > floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the
> > > > > building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to
> > > > > find a husband . ..
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > > On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > > Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > > The second floor sign reads:
> > > > >
> > > > > Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love
> > > > > kids.
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > > The third floor sign reads:
> > > > >
> > > > > Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love
> > > > > kids, and are extremely good looking.
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > > "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > > She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:
> > > > >
> > > > > Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the ! Lord, love
> > > > > kids, are drop- dead good looking and help with the
> > > > > housework.
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > > "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
> > > > > Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:
> > > > >
> > > > > Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love
> > > > > kids, are drop- dead gorgeous, help with the
> > > > > housework, and have a strong romantic streak.
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > > She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth
> > > > > floor and the sign reads:
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > > Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor.
> > > > > There are no men on this floor. This floor exists
> > > > > solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > > Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch
> > > > > your step as you exit the building, and have a nice
> > > > > day!
Forget traditional dictionaries. Keep this.
1. Achuchu (A-chu-chu).
This refers to the pointless insincerities being said during long, involved conversations about nothing at all.
2. Ano (A-noh)
The all-around, all-purpose word for everything.
(1) Pronoun in interrogation: Ano? (What)
(2) Noun: Where is your ano? (Where is your father/mother/dead-uncle's-second-cousin)
(3) Verb: Anuhin this.
(Paint/kill/maim/castrate this.)
(4) Adjective: This is so ano. (This is so pretty/big/astounding.)
(5) Interjection: Ano! (What the hell!)
(6) Substitute for genitalia: Did you ano your ano?
The use of ano is quite dangerous for the untrained ear, and must be put into the proper setting. "Honey, the ano is too long, we have to cut it," must be accompanied by the proper understanding of the context, as results may be critical to a couple's future.
3. Booba (boo-bah).
A female blessed with larger than usual mammary glands, which can be used as weapons of mass destruction.
4. Checheboreche (Che-che-boh-re-che)
Same as achuchu. It is interesting to ponder on the reason why there are so many words in the Filipino language that beautifully describe meaningless chatter.
5. Epal (Eh-pal).
An individual who believes he is God.
6. Gigil (gee-gil).
An uncontrollable desire to bite something.
7. Hipon (Hee-pon).
Literally "shrimp," whose body is eaten while its head is thrown away, this refers to a female whose body is to die for and whose face looks like it belongs to the dead.
8. Kikay (kee-kay).
Refers to individuals who carry a brush, hand wash, moisturizer, lip-gloss and various other facial enhancements in a case (aptly called a kikay kit) inside her bag. Recent inspections of various backpacks have led to the conclusion it is not a purely female trait. This breed cannot resist checking themselves out on mirrors, glass windows, bread knives, sidewalk puddles and plastic-covered notebooks.
9. Kaekekan (Ka-ek-e-kahn)
Same as achuchu and chechebureche.
10. Kilig (keel-leg).
A rush of excitement due to the actions, presence or even mention of he whom you see as the future father of your children.
11. Laglag-panti (lag-lag-pan-tee).
A man so incredibly hot, so heart-stoppingly gorgeous and oozing with masculinity that female underwear (whether worn by males or females) falls to the ground without effort whatsoever.
12. Laglag-brip (lag-lag-brip).
The female counterpart of laglag-panti
13. Indyanero (In-jan-neh-ro).
An individual who fails to appear at anappointment without prior warning. Not to be confused with individuals who appear according to Filipino time (approximately 10 minutes before the meeting is to end)
14. Japorms (Jah-porms).
Describes an individual dressed differently from the usual (typically involves clothes that have been laundered and pant legs of roughly the same length).
15. Lagot (Lah-got)
A prophesy of evil things to come.
16. Para (Pah-rah).
A term that informs the driver of a jeep to stop and pause (usually in the middle of the road) as the individual speaking intends to leave the vehicle. Dangerous for individuals as drivers seem to believe having one foot in the air is all that is necessary for descent.
17. Takusa (Ta-kuh-sa).
Derived from takot sa asawa (afraid of wife), this is a term used to describe the silent (very silent) minority of males married to feminine reincarnations of
Hitler.
18. Torpe (tore-peh).
A gentleman who is desperately attracted to a female yet by some strange compulsion is reduced to a frozen mound of stuttering male whenever that female is near.
Armed with this list and a smile, you will be sure to make the proper impression not just on your new relations, but on your loved one as well. Now let's practice:
"Honey, when I first saw you,
I made laglag brip, and was almost torpe.
When I finally got the nerve to date you,
I almost became indyanero,
because I didn't think I had the right japorms.
When you're around, I'm kilig, when you're not, I get gigil.
You may think all this is achuchu, kaekekan, just checheboreche,
but in truth, my love, I'm so ano with you."
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
Somewhere in the Middle East
an arab was interviewed at US checkpoint
interviewer: name please?
arab: abdul aziz
interviewer: sex?
arab: 6x a week
interviewer: i mean male or female
arab: doesn't matter, sometimes even camel
interviewer: holy cow!
arab: yes, even cows!
interviewer: oh dear!
arab: deer? no deer! me no f_ _k! they run too fast!
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
interviewer: Ano ang plano nyo sa mga homeless?
ERAP: Marami, kaso may problema.
interviewer: Ano po yun?
ERAP: ang hirap nilang hanapin, kasi wala silang address.
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
Mrs: Dok, may lumalabas po sa akin na brownish discharge… May infection ba ako?
Dok: Gaano ka kadalas makipag-sex?
Mrs: Once a year po…
Dok: Ahh… hindi infection yan… kalawang.
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
> > > > > A store that sells husbands has just opened in New
> > > > > York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband.
> > > > > Among the instructions at the entrance is a
> > > > > description of how the store operates. You may visit
> > > > > the store only once !
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > > There are six floors and the attributes of the men
> > > > > increase as the shopper ascends the flights.. There is,
> > > > > however, a catch . . .. you may choose any man from a
> > > > > particular floor, or you may choose to go up a
> > > > >
> > > > > floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the
> > > > > building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to
> > > > > find a husband . ..
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > > On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > > Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > > The second floor sign reads:
> > > > >
> > > > > Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love
> > > > > kids.
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > > The third floor sign reads:
> > > > >
> > > > > Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love
> > > > > kids, and are extremely good looking.
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > > "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > > She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:
> > > > >
> > > > > Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the ! Lord, love
> > > > > kids, are drop- dead good looking and help with the
> > > > > housework.
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > > "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
> > > > > Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:
> > > > >
> > > > > Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love
> > > > > kids, are drop- dead gorgeous, help with the
> > > > > housework, and have a strong romantic streak.
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > > She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth
> > > > > floor and the sign reads:
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > > Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor.
> > > > > There are no men on this floor. This floor exists
> > > > > solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > > Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch
> > > > > your step as you exit the building, and have a nice
> > > > > day!
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Something you just can't explain
A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused. A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So what happened that's so horrible?
Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket.
Man: Ok, but that's not so bad.
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So what happened then?
Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.
Man: and then?
Farmer: Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.
Man: Again?
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So, what did you do then?
Farmer: I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.
Man: and then?
Farmer: Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.
Man: Hmmm...
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So, what did you do?
Farmer: Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in...
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
Eating dogs
Two Scottish nuns had just arrived to the US by boat when one said to the other, "I heard that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs."
"Odd," her companion replied, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."
Nodding emphatically, the mother superior pointed to a hot dog vendor and they both walked towards it.
"Two dogs, please," said one.
The vendor was only too pleased to oblige and he wrapped both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns hurried over to a bench and began to unwrap their 'dogs.'
The mother superior was first to open hers, then, stared at it for a moment, leaned over to the other nun and whispered cautiously, "What part did you get?"
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
The cia had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks,
interviews, and testing were done, there were three finalists...two men and
a woman. For the final test, the cia agents took one of the men to a large
metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the
circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a
chair.
Kill Her!!!"
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife
and go home."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went
into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then
the man came out with tears in his eyes.
"I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to
kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room.
Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing,
banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened
slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.
"This gun is loaded with blanks", she said. "I had to beat him to death
with the chair."
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
Three guys are stranded in a desert. Off in the horizon they see a house and crawl to it.
The first guy knocks on the door and asks for water.
A wart-covered, toothless old woman answers: "I will...if you have sex with me." The guy pukes and runs back to his friends to tell them what happened.
The second guy, thinking the first guy was a wuss, takes his turn.
Same thing happens-he sees the woman and hurls.
The third guy, knowing they'll all die if he doesn't do something, follows the lady to her kitchen.
"Do me here," she tells him. He sees three ears of corn on the counter and gets an idea. "Lay back and keep your eyes closed!" he says. The witch obliges.
The guy picks up an ear of corn and screws her with it. As soon as she's done, he throws the corn out the window. "That was the best orgasm of my life! Do that again and I'll give you a million bucks."
"Then lay back and close your eyes again." He does her with the second ear of corn, then throws it out again.
"If you do that again, I'll give you a Jeep so you can get out of the desert."
He does her with the last piece of corn. "Ohhhhhh... The water, money, and Jeep are outside," she says as she squirms in ecstasy.
So he runs outside, grabs the water and money and jumps onto the Jeep. He drives around and finds his friends by the window.
One of the guys says to him: "Hey, I hope you had fun. We just ate the three tastiest pieces of buttered corn you could have imagined!"
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
Pag dating ni Munir sa bahay, sabi ni Ei, ang asawa nya, "Sweetheart, delayed ako ng isang buwan. Kagagaling ko lang sa doktor. Pero huwag mong sabihin kahit kanino, baka mapahiya lang ako kapag di nagkatotoo."
Kinaumagahan, merong dumating na taga-Meralco. Pagbukas ng pinto, sabi niya, "Ale, delayed ho kayo ng isang buwan." "Kanino mo nalaman ito?" tanong ni Ei. "Nandito ho nakasulat sa records namin," sagot ng taga-Meralco. "Talaga? Nakasulat sa records ninyo?"
Sa sumunod na araw, si Munir ay dumating galit na galit sa counter ng Meralco. "Paano niyo nalaman na delayed ng isang buwan ang misis ko? "Konting pasensya lang. Kung gusto niyong mawala sa records namin ito, magbayad na lang kayo," sagot ng isang empleyado. "Eh, kung ayaw kong magbayad?" tanong ni Munir. "Puputulan ho kayo," sagot ng empleyado. "Kung puputulan ako, anong gagamitin ng misis ko?" "Pwede naman siyang gumamit ng kandila, di ba?"
A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused. A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So what happened that's so horrible?
Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket.
Man: Ok, but that's not so bad.
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So what happened then?
Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.
Man: and then?
Farmer: Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.
Man: Again?
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So, what did you do then?
Farmer: I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.
Man: and then?
Farmer: Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.
Man: Hmmm...
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So, what did you do?
Farmer: Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in...
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
Eating dogs
Two Scottish nuns had just arrived to the US by boat when one said to the other, "I heard that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs."
"Odd," her companion replied, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."
Nodding emphatically, the mother superior pointed to a hot dog vendor and they both walked towards it.
"Two dogs, please," said one.
The vendor was only too pleased to oblige and he wrapped both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns hurried over to a bench and began to unwrap their 'dogs.'
The mother superior was first to open hers, then, stared at it for a moment, leaned over to the other nun and whispered cautiously, "What part did you get?"
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
The cia had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks,
interviews, and testing were done, there were three finalists...two men and
a woman. For the final test, the cia agents took one of the men to a large
metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the
circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a
chair.
Kill Her!!!"
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife
and go home."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went
into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then
the man came out with tears in his eyes.
"I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to
kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room.
Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing,
banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened
slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.
"This gun is loaded with blanks", she said. "I had to beat him to death
with the chair."
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
Three guys are stranded in a desert. Off in the horizon they see a house and crawl to it.
The first guy knocks on the door and asks for water.
A wart-covered, toothless old woman answers: "I will...if you have sex with me." The guy pukes and runs back to his friends to tell them what happened.
The second guy, thinking the first guy was a wuss, takes his turn.
Same thing happens-he sees the woman and hurls.
The third guy, knowing they'll all die if he doesn't do something, follows the lady to her kitchen.
"Do me here," she tells him. He sees three ears of corn on the counter and gets an idea. "Lay back and keep your eyes closed!" he says. The witch obliges.
The guy picks up an ear of corn and screws her with it. As soon as she's done, he throws the corn out the window. "That was the best orgasm of my life! Do that again and I'll give you a million bucks."
"Then lay back and close your eyes again." He does her with the second ear of corn, then throws it out again.
"If you do that again, I'll give you a Jeep so you can get out of the desert."
He does her with the last piece of corn. "Ohhhhhh... The water, money, and Jeep are outside," she says as she squirms in ecstasy.
So he runs outside, grabs the water and money and jumps onto the Jeep. He drives around and finds his friends by the window.
One of the guys says to him: "Hey, I hope you had fun. We just ate the three tastiest pieces of buttered corn you could have imagined!"
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
Pag dating ni Munir sa bahay, sabi ni Ei, ang asawa nya, "Sweetheart, delayed ako ng isang buwan. Kagagaling ko lang sa doktor. Pero huwag mong sabihin kahit kanino, baka mapahiya lang ako kapag di nagkatotoo."
Kinaumagahan, merong dumating na taga-Meralco. Pagbukas ng pinto, sabi niya, "Ale, delayed ho kayo ng isang buwan." "Kanino mo nalaman ito?" tanong ni Ei. "Nandito ho nakasulat sa records namin," sagot ng taga-Meralco. "Talaga? Nakasulat sa records ninyo?"
Sa sumunod na araw, si Munir ay dumating galit na galit sa counter ng Meralco. "Paano niyo nalaman na delayed ng isang buwan ang misis ko? "Konting pasensya lang. Kung gusto niyong mawala sa records namin ito, magbayad na lang kayo," sagot ng isang empleyado. "Eh, kung ayaw kong magbayad?" tanong ni Munir. "Puputulan ho kayo," sagot ng empleyado. "Kung puputulan ako, anong gagamitin ng misis ko?" "Pwede naman siyang gumamit ng kandila, di ba?"
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
a chinese guy in his death bed...
chinese: "akyen asawa ajanba?"
asawa: "oo nandito ako..." sabay hikbi
chinese: "akyen panganay ajanba?"
panganay: "opo, nandito po..." sabay hikbi
chinese: "akyen junyoh ajanba?"
junior: "opo, nandito po..." sabay hikbi
chinese: "walahya!!! Wala tao tindahan!!!"
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
luksong tinik
isang araw, may dalawang bata mag kaibigan
na gustong maglaro, isang batang babae at lalake....
babae: tala, lalo tayo?
lalake: ano naman lalo naten?
babae: hmmm..
ahh, lam ko nah, luksong tinek!
lalake: tsige, luktong tinek!
babae: kompyang tayo, para malaman naten kun tino taya.
lalake: otey!
babae: game! bato-bato pik! oh bato ako, kaw gunting, taya ka!
lalake: otey!
at nag laro ang dalwa...
unang dankal ng batang lalake, nakatalon si babae. pangalawa.....
pangatlo.....pang apat....
lalake: oi, tat na! (touch na daw) taya ka nah!
babae: huh? anong tat na? di pa!
lalake: hindi, tat nah!
babae: hindi pa tabi, eh!
lalake: tat nah! daya mo naman, eh!!
babae: paano naman tat na? wala naman tumama!!!
lalake: at tinong(sino) may tabi(sabi) ta (sa) yoh?
heto, dalili ko.....amoy mo!
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
jinggoy: Dad, ano po ba ang classification ng elephant, lion at tiger?
erap: Pambihira naman, yun lang di mo pa alam? Pare-pareho silang mga katol!
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
JUDE: Dad, nagtext ako sa Mrs ko na pauwi na ako. Nashock ako pagdating sa bahay. May kasama siyang lalaki sa kama. Bakit ganun?
erap: Baka di nareceive txt mo!
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
LOI: Darling, gusto ko sanang magpadagdag ng boobs
erap: Ha? Di ba masagwa yon? magiging tatlo?!
chinese: "akyen asawa ajanba?"
asawa: "oo nandito ako..." sabay hikbi
chinese: "akyen panganay ajanba?"
panganay: "opo, nandito po..." sabay hikbi
chinese: "akyen junyoh ajanba?"
junior: "opo, nandito po..." sabay hikbi
chinese: "walahya!!! Wala tao tindahan!!!"
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
luksong tinik
isang araw, may dalawang bata mag kaibigan
na gustong maglaro, isang batang babae at lalake....
babae: tala, lalo tayo?
lalake: ano naman lalo naten?
babae: hmmm..
ahh, lam ko nah, luksong tinek!
lalake: tsige, luktong tinek!
babae: kompyang tayo, para malaman naten kun tino taya.
lalake: otey!
babae: game! bato-bato pik! oh bato ako, kaw gunting, taya ka!
lalake: otey!
at nag laro ang dalwa...
unang dankal ng batang lalake, nakatalon si babae. pangalawa.....
pangatlo.....pang apat....
lalake: oi, tat na! (touch na daw) taya ka nah!
babae: huh? anong tat na? di pa!
lalake: hindi, tat nah!
babae: hindi pa tabi, eh!
lalake: tat nah! daya mo naman, eh!!
babae: paano naman tat na? wala naman tumama!!!
lalake: at tinong(sino) may tabi(sabi) ta (sa) yoh?
heto, dalili ko.....amoy mo!
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
jinggoy: Dad, ano po ba ang classification ng elephant, lion at tiger?
erap: Pambihira naman, yun lang di mo pa alam? Pare-pareho silang mga katol!
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
JUDE: Dad, nagtext ako sa Mrs ko na pauwi na ako. Nashock ako pagdating sa bahay. May kasama siyang lalaki sa kama. Bakit ganun?
erap: Baka di nareceive txt mo!
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
LOI: Darling, gusto ko sanang magpadagdag ng boobs
erap: Ha? Di ba masagwa yon? magiging tatlo?!
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Upon examining Erap's brain, 2 sides were found, left n right. In the left side there was nothing right, n in the right side there was nothing left!
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
GMA: alam mo, d nman ako kasing landi tulad ng akala nila. der was a tym nga i had no sex for 14 consecutive yrs.
reporter: really?
GMA: Really! ..den I turned 15.
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
sa isang museum may mga display ng artifacts...
host: this is einstein's brain... it costs $500 dollars
guest: wow!
host: and this is newton's brain... it costs $800 dollars
guest: wow! ang mahal...
host: and this is erap's brain... it costs $2 million dollars1
guest: bakit po ang mahal?
host: kse slightly used!
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
A couple placed an ad, "Have 4 sons, need
advice on how to get a daughter."
Responsed:
Yank: Keep trying!
Briton: Change doctor!
Aussie: Follow a special diet.
Indian: Practice Yoga!
Pinoy: let me try!
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
Man #1: Away kami ni misis, nag-Historical siya
Man #2: Pare baka ang ibig mo sabihin ay nag-Hysterical
Man #1: Hindi, historical kasi inungkat lahat ng kasalanan ko!
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
GMA: alam mo, d nman ako kasing landi tulad ng akala nila. der was a tym nga i had no sex for 14 consecutive yrs.
reporter: really?
GMA: Really! ..den I turned 15.
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
sa isang museum may mga display ng artifacts...
host: this is einstein's brain... it costs $500 dollars
guest: wow!
host: and this is newton's brain... it costs $800 dollars
guest: wow! ang mahal...
host: and this is erap's brain... it costs $2 million dollars1
guest: bakit po ang mahal?
host: kse slightly used!
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
A couple placed an ad, "Have 4 sons, need
advice on how to get a daughter."
Responsed:
Yank: Keep trying!
Briton: Change doctor!
Aussie: Follow a special diet.
Indian: Practice Yoga!
Pinoy: let me try!
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
Man #1: Away kami ni misis, nag-Historical siya
Man #2: Pare baka ang ibig mo sabihin ay nag-Hysterical
Man #1: Hindi, historical kasi inungkat lahat ng kasalanan ko!
Monday, January 18, 2010
Sa math class..
Titser: Juan, kung ako ay may 5 anak sa unang asawa at 10 anak sa pangalawa samakatuwid meron akong?
Juan: Mam, libog... matinding libog!!!
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired. They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Frank and Jacob. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time."
"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!"
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
Pare 1: Pre, nasusuka ako kaya lang di ako masuka
Pare 2: Madali lang yan, pre ~ sundutin mo tonsils mo (pare 1 sinundot ang tonsils ..)
Pare 1: Di pa rin e
Pare 2: Hmmmmm ... sundutin mo pwet mo (pare 1 sinundot ang pwet ....)
Pare 1: Wala pa rin
Pare 2: Ngayon, tsaka mo ule isundot sa bibig mo ... pag hindi ka pa masuka nyan ewan ko na!
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
The mathematician
A mathematician who is 65 decides that his wife can no longer satisfy him so he decides to have an affair with his 18 year old office assistant. Later that night he goes to the local Hilton and on the way he leaves a message at home for his wife.
"Dearest wife. You are 65 years of age and I find that you can no longer satisfy my needs. I am at the Hilton with my 18 year oldoffice assistant. Please understand my actions.
When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter from his wife waiting for him at the front desk it reads,
"Dear husband, as you know you are also 65 years of age and I must admit that I have been unsatisfied for quite some time. By the time you read this I will be at the Mariott with our 18 year old pool boy.
And being the mathematician that you are you can realize that 18 goes into 65 more time than 65 into 18. Please don't wait up.
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
sa restaurant sa dampa
waitress:“mam, ano drinks nyo?”
customer:“rootbeer”
waitress:“wala po ata kaming ganung drinks”
customer:“tanong mo muna miss, meron yan”
(takang taka ang lola mong nagtanong sa mga kasamahan nya…pagbalik)
waitress: “mam san meg light lang saka pelsin alang root”
Titser: Juan, kung ako ay may 5 anak sa unang asawa at 10 anak sa pangalawa samakatuwid meron akong?
Juan: Mam, libog... matinding libog!!!
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired. They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Frank and Jacob. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time."
"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!"
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
Pare 1: Pre, nasusuka ako kaya lang di ako masuka
Pare 2: Madali lang yan, pre ~ sundutin mo tonsils mo (pare 1 sinundot ang tonsils ..)
Pare 1: Di pa rin e
Pare 2: Hmmmmm ... sundutin mo pwet mo (pare 1 sinundot ang pwet ....)
Pare 1: Wala pa rin
Pare 2: Ngayon, tsaka mo ule isundot sa bibig mo ... pag hindi ka pa masuka nyan ewan ko na!
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
The mathematician
A mathematician who is 65 decides that his wife can no longer satisfy him so he decides to have an affair with his 18 year old office assistant. Later that night he goes to the local Hilton and on the way he leaves a message at home for his wife.
"Dearest wife. You are 65 years of age and I find that you can no longer satisfy my needs. I am at the Hilton with my 18 year oldoffice assistant. Please understand my actions.
When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter from his wife waiting for him at the front desk it reads,
"Dear husband, as you know you are also 65 years of age and I must admit that I have been unsatisfied for quite some time. By the time you read this I will be at the Mariott with our 18 year old pool boy.
And being the mathematician that you are you can realize that 18 goes into 65 more time than 65 into 18. Please don't wait up.
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
sa restaurant sa dampa
waitress:“mam, ano drinks nyo?”
customer:“rootbeer”
waitress:“wala po ata kaming ganung drinks”
customer:“tanong mo muna miss, meron yan”
(takang taka ang lola mong nagtanong sa mga kasamahan nya…pagbalik)
waitress: “mam san meg light lang saka pelsin alang root”
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Titser: Pedro late ka na naman!
Pedro: Late po kasi relo ko
Titser: problema ba yun? Edi i-advance mo!
Pedro: Opo?
Titser: O san ka pupunta?
Pedro: Mam, uwian na!
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
GF: Hayop ka, niloloko mo ako!
BF: Bakit, wala naman akong ginagawa ah!
GF: Anong wala? Nakita kita kanina, may kasama kang ibang babae, magkahawak pa kamay nyo! Niloloko mo ako!
BF: Makinig ka muna... hindi kita niloloko, maniwala ka... Yung kasama ko kanina ang niloloko ko!!!!
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
Boy1:pre,nahoLdp ako muntik pa ako mamatay!
Boy2:bakit,hindi ka ba humingi ng tuLong?
Boy1:nag-text ako sa puLis stati0n!
Boy2:bakit,anong repLy?
Boy1:haynaku, eto repLy! “hu u?”Wr did u get my no.?!
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
Pedro: soli ko tong nabili kong DVD
Juan: anong problema?
Pedro: walang picture saka sound. Sayang, suspense thriller pa yata ito
Juan: anong title?
Pedro: The Lens Cleaner
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
May tatlong magkumpare na nagtatrabaho sa Saudi. Isang German, isang Pakistano at isang Pilipino. Sila ay nag-iinuman ng mahuli sila ng kanilang Arabong amo. Sila ngayon ay ipinakulong (bawal ang alak sa Saudi). Makalipas ang ilang oras, dumating ang sultan.
Sultan: Dahil sa inyong pagsuway sa aming batas, kayo ay parurusahan sa pamamagitan ng dalawampung beses na paglalatigo. Bukas kayo malilintikan.
Kinabukasan, bumalik ang sultan sa selda, masaya at naka-ngiti dahil kaarawan ng kanyang asawa.
Sultan: dahil kaarawan ng aking asawa, bibigyan ko kayo ng isang kahilingan, pero tuloy parin ang paglalatigo. (Sabay humarap sa German)
Ikaw, anong iyong kahilingan?
German: kung maaari, paki lagyan ng unan ang aking likuran. at ito'y natupad. ngunit sampung latigo pa lamang ay nasira na ang unan at nangirot sa sakit ang German.
Sultan: (sa Pakistano) ikaw, ano ang iyong nanaisin bago ka parusahan?
Pakistano: kung maaari ay lagyan ng dalawang unan ang aking likuran. at ito ay nasunod. ngunit 15 na latigo pa lamang ay nasira na ang unan at namilipit sa sakit ang Pakistano. ngayon ay ang Pilipino na.
Sultan: ikaw, dahil ikaw ay Pilipino, at may mga Muslim sa inyong bansa kayo'y magagalang at ako ay bilib sa inyong kultura, maaari kang magkaroon ng dalawang kahilingan.
Pilipino: salamat po!
Sultan: pwes, ano ang una mong kahilingan?
Pilipino: (napaisip) kung maaari gawin ninyong isang daan ang aking parusa. Napabilib ang Sultan at medyo napaluha.
Sultan: hindi lang pala kayo magalang, kayo rin pala ay lahi ng matatapang at marangal! ito ay masusunod, ano naman ang iyong pangalawa at huling kahilingan?
Pilipino: kung maaaring itali ninyo ang German at ang Pakistano sa aking likuran!
Pedro: Late po kasi relo ko
Titser: problema ba yun? Edi i-advance mo!
Pedro: Opo?
Titser: O san ka pupunta?
Pedro: Mam, uwian na!
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
GF: Hayop ka, niloloko mo ako!
BF: Bakit, wala naman akong ginagawa ah!
GF: Anong wala? Nakita kita kanina, may kasama kang ibang babae, magkahawak pa kamay nyo! Niloloko mo ako!
BF: Makinig ka muna... hindi kita niloloko, maniwala ka... Yung kasama ko kanina ang niloloko ko!!!!
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
Boy1:pre,nahoLdp ako muntik pa ako mamatay!
Boy2:bakit,hindi ka ba humingi ng tuLong?
Boy1:nag-text ako sa puLis stati0n!
Boy2:bakit,anong repLy?
Boy1:haynaku, eto repLy! “hu u?”Wr did u get my no.?!
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
Pedro: soli ko tong nabili kong DVD
Juan: anong problema?
Pedro: walang picture saka sound. Sayang, suspense thriller pa yata ito
Juan: anong title?
Pedro: The Lens Cleaner
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
May tatlong magkumpare na nagtatrabaho sa Saudi. Isang German, isang Pakistano at isang Pilipino. Sila ay nag-iinuman ng mahuli sila ng kanilang Arabong amo. Sila ngayon ay ipinakulong (bawal ang alak sa Saudi). Makalipas ang ilang oras, dumating ang sultan.
Sultan: Dahil sa inyong pagsuway sa aming batas, kayo ay parurusahan sa pamamagitan ng dalawampung beses na paglalatigo. Bukas kayo malilintikan.
Kinabukasan, bumalik ang sultan sa selda, masaya at naka-ngiti dahil kaarawan ng kanyang asawa.
Sultan: dahil kaarawan ng aking asawa, bibigyan ko kayo ng isang kahilingan, pero tuloy parin ang paglalatigo. (Sabay humarap sa German)
Ikaw, anong iyong kahilingan?
German: kung maaari, paki lagyan ng unan ang aking likuran. at ito'y natupad. ngunit sampung latigo pa lamang ay nasira na ang unan at nangirot sa sakit ang German.
Sultan: (sa Pakistano) ikaw, ano ang iyong nanaisin bago ka parusahan?
Pakistano: kung maaari ay lagyan ng dalawang unan ang aking likuran. at ito ay nasunod. ngunit 15 na latigo pa lamang ay nasira na ang unan at namilipit sa sakit ang Pakistano. ngayon ay ang Pilipino na.
Sultan: ikaw, dahil ikaw ay Pilipino, at may mga Muslim sa inyong bansa kayo'y magagalang at ako ay bilib sa inyong kultura, maaari kang magkaroon ng dalawang kahilingan.
Pilipino: salamat po!
Sultan: pwes, ano ang una mong kahilingan?
Pilipino: (napaisip) kung maaari gawin ninyong isang daan ang aking parusa. Napabilib ang Sultan at medyo napaluha.
Sultan: hindi lang pala kayo magalang, kayo rin pala ay lahi ng matatapang at marangal! ito ay masusunod, ano naman ang iyong pangalawa at huling kahilingan?
Pilipino: kung maaaring itali ninyo ang German at ang Pakistano sa aking likuran!
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Student: Mam, bubukol ba ang utot sa pantalon?
Teacher: No, hindi! Remember class, kahit gaano kalakas ang utot di bubukol sa pantalon
Student: Patay! Tae nga ito!
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
Anak: Tay anong pagkakaiba ng Supper at Dinner?
Itay: Anak, pag kumain tayo sa labas, Dinner yun! Pag dito tayo kakain ng luto ng mommy mo, Suffer yun!
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
Nagko contest si Jun at Peter kung sino mas magaling sa mga tatay nila.
Jun : Mas magaling ang tatay ko, kumakain siya ng buhay na butiki !
Peter : (Ayaw magpatalo) Wala yun, mas magaling ang tatay ko, "kumakain siya ng ilaw"
Jun : Ha ? Paano nangyari yun ?
Peter : Aba minsan narinig ko usapan nila ng Nanay ko sabi ng Tatay ko "LING, patayin mo na ang ilaw at kakainin ko na 'YAN"
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
Lumindol ng malakas noon. Nagkagulo ang lahat at nag panic!
Sigaw ng isang lalaki: "Katapusan na! Katapusan na!"
Sumagot ang isa rin lalaki: "Tanga! Akinse pa lang ngayon"
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
sa isang classroom.....
titser: class, ano ang iba't-ibang kulay ng saging?
juan: green, yellow, red and brown mam!
titser: may brown ba na saging???
juan: eh ung sinaing na saging, ano yun fake?!
Teacher: No, hindi! Remember class, kahit gaano kalakas ang utot di bubukol sa pantalon
Student: Patay! Tae nga ito!
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
Anak: Tay anong pagkakaiba ng Supper at Dinner?
Itay: Anak, pag kumain tayo sa labas, Dinner yun! Pag dito tayo kakain ng luto ng mommy mo, Suffer yun!
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
Nagko contest si Jun at Peter kung sino mas magaling sa mga tatay nila.
Jun : Mas magaling ang tatay ko, kumakain siya ng buhay na butiki !
Peter : (Ayaw magpatalo) Wala yun, mas magaling ang tatay ko, "kumakain siya ng ilaw"
Jun : Ha ? Paano nangyari yun ?
Peter : Aba minsan narinig ko usapan nila ng Nanay ko sabi ng Tatay ko "LING, patayin mo na ang ilaw at kakainin ko na 'YAN"
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
Lumindol ng malakas noon. Nagkagulo ang lahat at nag panic!
Sigaw ng isang lalaki: "Katapusan na! Katapusan na!"
Sumagot ang isa rin lalaki: "Tanga! Akinse pa lang ngayon"
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
sa isang classroom.....
titser: class, ano ang iba't-ibang kulay ng saging?
juan: green, yellow, red and brown mam!
titser: may brown ba na saging???
juan: eh ung sinaing na saging, ano yun fake?!
Friday, January 15, 2010
Positive preggy c Mrs. Nagkasundo magasawa pagipunan future ni baby. Every time mag sex maghuhulog c lalaki ng pera sa piggy bank na para sa future ni baby. Naipanganak na c baby, binasag na ang piggy bank, nagtaka c mister! Bakit may mga P500 at P1000 bills? tanong ni mister. Sagot ni mrs "Ikaw lang naman ang kuripot".
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
Wife: Maghihiwalay na tayo!
Husband: Ok, akin ang Bahay!
Wife: Akin ang Farm!
Husband: Akin ang Kotse!
Wife: Akin ang Driver!
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
Merong ilang magkakabarkada sa kanto nagpapasiklaban.
Naki join si Johnny (Ngo-ngo) at naka porma bago mga suot.
Peter : Wow pare, ang galing ng japorms mo! Ang ganda ng pants mo, Saan tahi yan ?
Johnny : Ngihstheytsayd (stateside) yan nyeshel (Diesel).
Peter : Galing ! Eh yang shirt mo ang ganda rin !
Johnny : molo ralh Lhoren (Polo - Ralph Lauren) yan !
Peter : (Sabay turo sa nguso ni Johnny). Eh yan! Saan tahi yan ?
Johnny : (Tinampal kamay ni Peter) ingaw nhamhan nhilolongo mo akho....
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
Titser: Ano ang hugis ng mundo?
Juan: Kuwadrado po, maam!
Titser: Hindi! Ang mundo ay bilog.
Juan: Pero maam, sabi ng lolo ko, narating na niya ang apat na sulok ng mundo. May sulok po ba ang bilog?...
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
Juan: Birthday ng asawa ko...
Pedro: Ano regalo mo?
Juan: Tinanong ko kung ano gusto niya.
Pedro: Ano naman sinabi?
Juan: Kahit ano basta may diamond.
Pedro: Ano binigay mo?
Juan: Baraha...
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
Wife: Maghihiwalay na tayo!
Husband: Ok, akin ang Bahay!
Wife: Akin ang Farm!
Husband: Akin ang Kotse!
Wife: Akin ang Driver!
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
Merong ilang magkakabarkada sa kanto nagpapasiklaban.
Naki join si Johnny (Ngo-ngo) at naka porma bago mga suot.
Peter : Wow pare, ang galing ng japorms mo! Ang ganda ng pants mo, Saan tahi yan ?
Johnny : Ngihstheytsayd (stateside) yan nyeshel (Diesel).
Peter : Galing ! Eh yang shirt mo ang ganda rin !
Johnny : molo ralh Lhoren (Polo - Ralph Lauren) yan !
Peter : (Sabay turo sa nguso ni Johnny). Eh yan! Saan tahi yan ?
Johnny : (Tinampal kamay ni Peter) ingaw nhamhan nhilolongo mo akho....
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
Titser: Ano ang hugis ng mundo?
Juan: Kuwadrado po, maam!
Titser: Hindi! Ang mundo ay bilog.
Juan: Pero maam, sabi ng lolo ko, narating na niya ang apat na sulok ng mundo. May sulok po ba ang bilog?...
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
Juan: Birthday ng asawa ko...
Pedro: Ano regalo mo?
Juan: Tinanong ko kung ano gusto niya.
Pedro: Ano naman sinabi?
Juan: Kahit ano basta may diamond.
Pedro: Ano binigay mo?
Juan: Baraha...
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Si Danilo "Dan" Torres, isang Bicolano, nagpunta
sa US para mag tnt.
Pumasok sya ng convenience store para bumili ng yosi.
Pagdating sa counter, sabi ng cashier, "master?
VISA?"
Namutla si Dan! Sa isip-isip nya "Patay! Hinahanap
ang visa ko!"
Dali-daling lumabas ng tindahan, sumakay ng kotse at
humarurot ng takbo. Paubos
na gasolina nya kaya pumasok sa gas station at magpapakarga
ng gasolina.
"Unleaded?" tanong ng gasoline attendant.
"Unleaded" sagot ni Dan. "Pay first."
sabi ng attendant. Lalong namutla si
Dan! "Patay! Hinahanapan ako ng papers!"
Iniwan nya ang kotse at dali-daling naglakad papunta sa
phonebooth upang
tawagan ang kapatid nya sa New York "AT&T May I
help you?" sagot ng operator.
Pinagpawisan ng malamig si Dan! "Pati operator alam
na tnt ako!"
May nakapilang pulis na gagamit din ng telepono at tanong
sa kanya... " Are you
done?" Napatitig na lang si Dan sa pulis!
"Kilala niya ako? Alam niyang dan ang
pangalan ko!" sa isip-isip nya. Nang di makasagot si
Dan, tinanong uli sya ng
pulis, "Are you a tourist?" Nanghina si Dan
dahil pati apelyido niyang Torres
ay alam din ng pulis! At nang hihimatayin na sya,
inalalayan sya ng pulis at
sabi "Be cool!" "Inang ko po! Alam din
nyang taga Bicol ako! waaahhhh! Uuwi na
lang ako sa 'pinas¢!"
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
Bagong Kasal
Misis: Honey, malapit na tayong maging tatlo dito sa bahay.
Mister: Talaga ba Honey? Pinasaya mo ako sa balita mo!
Misis: Oo, dito na titira ang Nanay ko!!
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
Misis at ang ngongo niyang mister
Mister:Pagpasok sa pinto ay sabay tinakpan ang mga mata nang misis niya ay sabay sabing - "nges hu?"
Misis:Sus...Pa-nges hu,nges hu kapa ay ikaw lang naman ang ngongo dito sa bahay.
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
Nursery room
Sa harap ng nursery window.....
Friend: Pare, pag laki ng anak mo, am sure magaling mag-drive
Dad: Bakit, pare, malaki ba ang kamay?
Friend: Hindi. Kasi kamukha siya ng driver ninyo!
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
Tuksuhan
Noon tuwing may ikinakasal lagi akong tinutukso ng lolo' t lola ko na "Uy siya ng ang susunod"
Tumigil lang sila ng me inilibing at tinukso ko sila ng:
"UY!!! Sila na ang susunod!!!!"
sa US para mag tnt.
Pumasok sya ng convenience store para bumili ng yosi.
Pagdating sa counter, sabi ng cashier, "master?
VISA?"
Namutla si Dan! Sa isip-isip nya "Patay! Hinahanap
ang visa ko!"
Dali-daling lumabas ng tindahan, sumakay ng kotse at
humarurot ng takbo. Paubos
na gasolina nya kaya pumasok sa gas station at magpapakarga
ng gasolina.
"Unleaded?" tanong ng gasoline attendant.
"Unleaded" sagot ni Dan. "Pay first."
sabi ng attendant. Lalong namutla si
Dan! "Patay! Hinahanapan ako ng papers!"
Iniwan nya ang kotse at dali-daling naglakad papunta sa
phonebooth upang
tawagan ang kapatid nya sa New York "AT&T May I
help you?" sagot ng operator.
Pinagpawisan ng malamig si Dan! "Pati operator alam
na tnt ako!"
May nakapilang pulis na gagamit din ng telepono at tanong
sa kanya... " Are you
done?" Napatitig na lang si Dan sa pulis!
"Kilala niya ako? Alam niyang dan ang
pangalan ko!" sa isip-isip nya. Nang di makasagot si
Dan, tinanong uli sya ng
pulis, "Are you a tourist?" Nanghina si Dan
dahil pati apelyido niyang Torres
ay alam din ng pulis! At nang hihimatayin na sya,
inalalayan sya ng pulis at
sabi "Be cool!" "Inang ko po! Alam din
nyang taga Bicol ako! waaahhhh! Uuwi na
lang ako sa 'pinas¢!"
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
Bagong Kasal
Misis: Honey, malapit na tayong maging tatlo dito sa bahay.
Mister: Talaga ba Honey? Pinasaya mo ako sa balita mo!
Misis: Oo, dito na titira ang Nanay ko!!
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
Misis at ang ngongo niyang mister
Mister:Pagpasok sa pinto ay sabay tinakpan ang mga mata nang misis niya ay sabay sabing - "nges hu?"
Misis:Sus...Pa-nges hu,nges hu kapa ay ikaw lang naman ang ngongo dito sa bahay.
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
Nursery room
Sa harap ng nursery window.....
Friend: Pare, pag laki ng anak mo, am sure magaling mag-drive
Dad: Bakit, pare, malaki ba ang kamay?
Friend: Hindi. Kasi kamukha siya ng driver ninyo!
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
Tuksuhan
Noon tuwing may ikinakasal lagi akong tinutukso ng lolo' t lola ko na "Uy siya ng ang susunod"
Tumigil lang sila ng me inilibing at tinukso ko sila ng:
"UY!!! Sila na ang susunod!!!!"
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
para sa mga bibili ng bahay...
Why did johnny shoot his wife when he bought a house?
Because the contract reads: 'Execute all 3 copies together with your wife...
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
Holduper: Pili ka, wallet mo o pasabugin ko utak mo?
Biktima: Ikaw na bahala.. basta pareho po yan walang laman!
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
reporter: Sir, kung wala po kayong evidence, witness or suspect ano na po ang next step ninyo??
Police: dna na...
reporter: Sir, ano po yung dna?
Police: "D-i N-amin A-lam "...
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
the vowels according to women!!!
aahhh – napasukan
eehhh – naliitan
iihhh – nalakihan
oohhh – nasarapan
uuhhh - nilabasan
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
Economics Teacher: Give an example of a complete business failure due to negligence.
Student: A pregnant prostitute.
Why did johnny shoot his wife when he bought a house?
Because the contract reads: 'Execute all 3 copies together with your wife...
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
Holduper: Pili ka, wallet mo o pasabugin ko utak mo?
Biktima: Ikaw na bahala.. basta pareho po yan walang laman!
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
reporter: Sir, kung wala po kayong evidence, witness or suspect ano na po ang next step ninyo??
Police: dna na...
reporter: Sir, ano po yung dna?
Police: "D-i N-amin A-lam "...
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
the vowels according to women!!!
aahhh – napasukan
eehhh – naliitan
iihhh – nalakihan
oohhh – nasarapan
uuhhh - nilabasan
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
Economics Teacher: Give an example of a complete business failure due to negligence.
Student: A pregnant prostitute.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
/DIVORCED FATHER>
anak, pag uwi mo ibigay mo sa nanay mo tong cheke
at sabihin mo 18 yo kana, huling tseke na makukuha nya
for child support tapos tingnan mo expression ng face nya.
/ANAK>
mom, sabi ni dad bigay ko daw sa'yo tong tseke,
last na daw yan kasi 18 na daw ako, pagkatapos
tingnan ko daw expression ng face mo.
/MOM>
sa susunod na pag bisita mo sa kanya
sabihin mo salamat sa suporta kahit hndi mo sya tatay,
tapos tingnan mo expression ng face nya.....
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
Misis: Honey sino ba itong Baby na nagtitext sayo.
Mister: Ah Kumpare ko yan, Baby lang talaga ang pangalan nya.
Misis: O eto ang text sayo, hinde daw kayo tuloy kasi may regla siya.
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
misis:
Lintik na sabon to ayaw bumula!!!..
mister:
panu bubula yan?...
hindi naman basa katawan mo, tanga!!!....
misis:
Xempre!!
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
for dry skin 'to
bobo!!!...
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
para sa may mga naghahanap ng trabaho...
Prospective Employer to Applicant: " So why did you leave your previous job?"
Applicant: " The company relocated and they did not tell me where!"
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
para sa mga bibili ng bahay...
Why did johnny shoot his wife when he bought a house?
Because the contract reads: 'Execute all 3 copies together with your wife...
anak, pag uwi mo ibigay mo sa nanay mo tong cheke
at sabihin mo 18 yo kana, huling tseke na makukuha nya
for child support tapos tingnan mo expression ng face nya.
/ANAK>
mom, sabi ni dad bigay ko daw sa'yo tong tseke,
last na daw yan kasi 18 na daw ako, pagkatapos
tingnan ko daw expression ng face mo.
/MOM>
sa susunod na pag bisita mo sa kanya
sabihin mo salamat sa suporta kahit hndi mo sya tatay,
tapos tingnan mo expression ng face nya.....
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
Misis: Honey sino ba itong Baby na nagtitext sayo.
Mister: Ah Kumpare ko yan, Baby lang talaga ang pangalan nya.
Misis: O eto ang text sayo, hinde daw kayo tuloy kasi may regla siya.
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
misis:
Lintik na sabon to ayaw bumula!!!..
mister:
panu bubula yan?...
hindi naman basa katawan mo, tanga!!!....
misis:
Xempre!!
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
for dry skin 'to
bobo!!!...
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
para sa may mga naghahanap ng trabaho...
Prospective Employer to Applicant: " So why did you leave your previous job?"
Applicant: " The company relocated and they did not tell me where!"
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
para sa mga bibili ng bahay...
Why did johnny shoot his wife when he bought a house?
Because the contract reads: 'Execute all 3 copies together with your wife...
Monday, January 11, 2010
Sinoli ni Erap ang libro sa library.
ERAP: sobrang dami ng characters wala naman storya.
librarian: kayo pala kumuha ng telephone directory namin!
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
INA: anak, tawagan mo nga tatay mo sa celfon. Pauwiin mo dito.
[pagkatapos tawagan.]
ANAK: nay, babae po ang sumagot.
INA: lintik, sinasabi ko na nga ba, may tinatago yang tatay mo eh! Anong sabi?
ANAK: 'you only have zero pesos in your account...' hindi ko na tinapos nay mukhang matapobre.
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
pedro: niloko ko yung tindera kanina.
juan: paano mo naman niloko yung tindera?
pedro: nagpaload ako eh wala naman akong celfon.
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
sa classroom
teacher: ok class form a circle and make it straight!
biglang nakita ng guro na may nagtatawanang bata...
teacher: you, you and you! both the three of you! i want to see your parents tomorrow in the morning right now!
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
teacher: ok children, ayon sa theorya na ang tao daw ay nangaling sa mga unggoy, kayo ba eh naniniwala dun?
paltik: d ako naniniwala ma'am
teacher:bakit d ka naniniwala
paltik:kung lahat tayo eh nangaling sa unggoy, bakit mukha po kayong kabayo?
ERAP: sobrang dami ng characters wala naman storya.
librarian: kayo pala kumuha ng telephone directory namin!
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
INA: anak, tawagan mo nga tatay mo sa celfon. Pauwiin mo dito.
[pagkatapos tawagan.]
ANAK: nay, babae po ang sumagot.
INA: lintik, sinasabi ko na nga ba, may tinatago yang tatay mo eh! Anong sabi?
ANAK: 'you only have zero pesos in your account...' hindi ko na tinapos nay mukhang matapobre.
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
pedro: niloko ko yung tindera kanina.
juan: paano mo naman niloko yung tindera?
pedro: nagpaload ako eh wala naman akong celfon.
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
sa classroom
teacher: ok class form a circle and make it straight!
biglang nakita ng guro na may nagtatawanang bata...
teacher: you, you and you! both the three of you! i want to see your parents tomorrow in the morning right now!
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
teacher: ok children, ayon sa theorya na ang tao daw ay nangaling sa mga unggoy, kayo ba eh naniniwala dun?
paltik: d ako naniniwala ma'am
teacher:bakit d ka naniniwala
paltik:kung lahat tayo eh nangaling sa unggoy, bakit mukha po kayong kabayo?
Sunday, January 10, 2010
in a miss gay pageant:
HOST: how can we uplift our economy today even though we are under economic crisis?
bakla: (namutla) mga bakla! Akala ko ba miss gay ito? Quizbee pala!
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
Kung nag gay language sana sila gma at garci eh di walang scam!
gma: hallow gracia!
garci: uy mother ever! Na chenilyn de kimberlyn ko na po yung mga chuva ek ek.
gma: bonggacious! Eh yung mga chenes chenes, carry na ba?
garci: flatshoes! Winnie santos mama, wiz na wori eclavou na ever! Na chorva na!
gma: ang tarushki! Maldita ka talaga vruha ka! Eh di windra na naman
watashi?!
garci: anufi ate.
gma: oshah ba.
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
teacher: mga bata, alam niyo ba na ang bawat butil ng palay ay galing sa dugo't pawis ng mga magsasaka?
mga bata: eeewwww!
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
student: ma'am, pagagalitan niyo po ba ako sa bagay na hindi ko naman ginawa?
teacher: natural hindi.
student: good, di ko po ginawa assignment ko!
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
Sinoli ni Erap ang libro sa library.
ERAP: sobrang dami ng characters wala naman storya.
librarian: kayo pala kumuha ng telephone directory namin!
HOST: how can we uplift our economy today even though we are under economic crisis?
bakla: (namutla) mga bakla! Akala ko ba miss gay ito? Quizbee pala!
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
Kung nag gay language sana sila gma at garci eh di walang scam!
gma: hallow gracia!
garci: uy mother ever! Na chenilyn de kimberlyn ko na po yung mga chuva ek ek.
gma: bonggacious! Eh yung mga chenes chenes, carry na ba?
garci: flatshoes! Winnie santos mama, wiz na wori eclavou na ever! Na chorva na!
gma: ang tarushki! Maldita ka talaga vruha ka! Eh di windra na naman
watashi?!
garci: anufi ate.
gma: oshah ba.
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
teacher: mga bata, alam niyo ba na ang bawat butil ng palay ay galing sa dugo't pawis ng mga magsasaka?
mga bata: eeewwww!
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
student: ma'am, pagagalitan niyo po ba ako sa bagay na hindi ko naman ginawa?
teacher: natural hindi.
student: good, di ko po ginawa assignment ko!
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
Sinoli ni Erap ang libro sa library.
ERAP: sobrang dami ng characters wala naman storya.
librarian: kayo pala kumuha ng telephone directory namin!
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Tatay: may malaki ako problema.
nanay: wag mo sabihin problema MO lang, problema natin dahil nagmamahalan tayo.ngayon ano problema natin?
Tatay: nabuntis natin si inday at tayo ang ama..
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
BOY: Wala akong kwentang anak para sa inyo! Lahat ng ginagawa ko puro mali! Lagi nalang ako mali!!! Di 'nyo na ako mahal!
AMA: Nagkakamali ka anak?
BOY: Kitam! Mali na naman ako!!!
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
Nanay: Ang lakas mo kumain pero di ka mautusan. Ang kapal mo!
Anak: Kapag yung baboy natin malakas kumain, natutuwa ka. Sino ba talaga ang anak mo, ako o yung baboy? Umayos ka nay! Wag ganun!
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
teacher: okay class our lesson for today is science. What is science?
pedro: ako ma'am! Ako ma'am!
teacher: okay Pedro, what is science?
pedro: science is our lesson for today.
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
DOC: umubo ka!
pedro: ho! Ho! Ho!
DOC: ubo pa!
pedro: ho! Ho! Ho!
DOC: okay.
pedro: ano po ba sakit ko doc?
DOC: may ubo ka.
nanay: wag mo sabihin problema MO lang, problema natin dahil nagmamahalan tayo.ngayon ano problema natin?
Tatay: nabuntis natin si inday at tayo ang ama..
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
BOY: Wala akong kwentang anak para sa inyo! Lahat ng ginagawa ko puro mali! Lagi nalang ako mali!!! Di 'nyo na ako mahal!
AMA: Nagkakamali ka anak?
BOY: Kitam! Mali na naman ako!!!
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
Nanay: Ang lakas mo kumain pero di ka mautusan. Ang kapal mo!
Anak: Kapag yung baboy natin malakas kumain, natutuwa ka. Sino ba talaga ang anak mo, ako o yung baboy? Umayos ka nay! Wag ganun!
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
teacher: okay class our lesson for today is science. What is science?
pedro: ako ma'am! Ako ma'am!
teacher: okay Pedro, what is science?
pedro: science is our lesson for today.
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
DOC: umubo ka!
pedro: ho! Ho! Ho!
DOC: ubo pa!
pedro: ho! Ho! Ho!
DOC: okay.
pedro: ano po ba sakit ko doc?
DOC: may ubo ka.
Friday, January 8, 2010
Gumimik sa mall ang tatlong binatilyo...
Jepoy: Wow! Ang cute 'nung girl!
Kevin: Sexy pa! Grabe!
Nathan: Sino? Yung naka-mini skirt, na red? Yun, yun ba? Ha? Kilala ko siya! Teka tatawagin ko ha, kuyaaahhh Ambet!
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
judge: Ano ba talaga nangyari?
ERAP: ? (di nagsasalita)
judge: Sumagot ka sa tanong.
ERAP: Naman eh!!! Kala ko ba hearing lang to??? Bakit may speaking?
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
Husband: Kung di ako makaligtas sa operasyon ko bukas, ikaw na sana ang bahala sa lahat-lahat. .. I love you!
Wife: Tumigil ka! wala pang namamatay sa tuli!...
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
Teacher, teacher naman...
teacher: Anong similarity nina Jose Rizal, Andres Bonifacio, at Apolinario Mabini?
student: Ma'am, pagkaka-alam ko po, silang lahat ay pinanganak ng holiday!
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
Titser: Juan, use recharge & caffeine in a sentence.
Juan: Si "Recharge" Gutierrez ay si "Caffeine" Barbell. ?
Jepoy: Wow! Ang cute 'nung girl!
Kevin: Sexy pa! Grabe!
Nathan: Sino? Yung naka-mini skirt, na red? Yun, yun ba? Ha? Kilala ko siya! Teka tatawagin ko ha, kuyaaahhh Ambet!
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
judge: Ano ba talaga nangyari?
ERAP: ? (di nagsasalita)
judge: Sumagot ka sa tanong.
ERAP: Naman eh!!! Kala ko ba hearing lang to??? Bakit may speaking?
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
Husband: Kung di ako makaligtas sa operasyon ko bukas, ikaw na sana ang bahala sa lahat-lahat. .. I love you!
Wife: Tumigil ka! wala pang namamatay sa tuli!...
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
Teacher, teacher naman...
teacher: Anong similarity nina Jose Rizal, Andres Bonifacio, at Apolinario Mabini?
student: Ma'am, pagkaka-alam ko po, silang lahat ay pinanganak ng holiday!
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
Titser: Juan, use recharge & caffeine in a sentence.
Juan: Si "Recharge" Gutierrez ay si "Caffeine" Barbell. ?
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Boy: Nay! Muntik na ako maging top one sa klase!
Nanay: Bakit mo naman nasabi?
Boy: Ini-announce kasi kanina yung top one sa klase. Ang tinuro ni ma'am yung katabi ko. Muntik na ako!...
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
Before marriage.....
He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
She: Do you want me to leave?
He: No! Don't even think about it.
She: Do you love me?
He: Of course! Over and over!
She: Have you ever cheated on me?
He: No! Why are you even asking?
She: Will you kiss me?
He: Every chance I get.
She: Will you hit me?
He: Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person!
She: Can I trust you?
He: Yes.
She: Darling!
After marriage....
Simply read from bottom to top.
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
Juan: Pre, noong mayaman pa kami, nagkakamay kaming kumain. Ngayong mahirap na kami, nakakutsara na.
Pedro: Baligtad yata?
Juan: Mahirap kamayin ang lugaw, pre!
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
Pasahero: Pare, pakibaba naman ako pagdating sa Ortigas
Konduktor: Aba pare, sasabihin ko na lang sa yo... mukhang ang bigat-bigat mo eh
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
Tanong: What is the world's number 1 anti-dandruff shampoo?
Manny Pacquiao: Hidden Soldiers!
Nanay: Bakit mo naman nasabi?
Boy: Ini-announce kasi kanina yung top one sa klase. Ang tinuro ni ma'am yung katabi ko. Muntik na ako!...
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
Before marriage.....
He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
She: Do you want me to leave?
He: No! Don't even think about it.
She: Do you love me?
He: Of course! Over and over!
She: Have you ever cheated on me?
He: No! Why are you even asking?
She: Will you kiss me?
He: Every chance I get.
She: Will you hit me?
He: Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person!
She: Can I trust you?
He: Yes.
She: Darling!
After marriage....
Simply read from bottom to top.
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
Juan: Pre, noong mayaman pa kami, nagkakamay kaming kumain. Ngayong mahirap na kami, nakakutsara na.
Pedro: Baligtad yata?
Juan: Mahirap kamayin ang lugaw, pre!
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
Pasahero: Pare, pakibaba naman ako pagdating sa Ortigas
Konduktor: Aba pare, sasabihin ko na lang sa yo... mukhang ang bigat-bigat mo eh
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
Tanong: What is the world's number 1 anti-dandruff shampoo?
Manny Pacquiao: Hidden Soldiers!
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Pedro : Pre, ang higpit ng nanay ko! Umuwi lang ako ng medyo late nilock na pinto di na ako makapasok!
Juan: Pre, higpit din ng nanay ko, ibalik ko daw yun gamit pagkatapos gamitin kung saan ko kinuha.
Pedro : Yun lang naman pala e...so?
Juan: Ayun, di maubos ubos toothpick namin!!!
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
Sa honeymoon:
Lalake: Darling - pwede?
Babae: Meron ako eh.
L: Sa pwet?
B: May almoranas ako.
L: Sa bunganga?
B: May sore throat ako.
Naasar si lalake- sinakal si babae at sinabi:
wag mong sabihing may sipon ka rin!!!
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
Melanie Marquez's quotes:
My brother is not a girl; he’s a gentleman.
* * *
That’s why I’m a success, it’s because I don’t middle in other people’s lives.
* * *
Don’t judge my brother; he’s not a book.
* * *
I won’t stoop down to my level.
* * *
Hello? Bulag ka ba? Bingi ka ba? Are you dep?
* * *
‘Yung STD, baka sa maruming toilet lang niya nakuha yan.
* * *
Eh, ikaw ba naman, durugin ang ari mo… Pag di ka naman manutok ng baril.
* * *
We are lovers, not fighters.
* * *
Kapatid ko pa rin siya. We are one and the same.
* * *
I don’t eat meat. I’m not a carnival.
* * *
Eto na po ang pinakamaligayang pasko at manigong taon sa inyong lahat. (During her acceptance speech at a Metro Filmfest awards night where her bioflick, directed by her late father Temyong Marquez, won an award.)
* * *
Sumasakit ang migraine ko.
* * *
Ang tatay ko ang only living legend na buhay!
* * *
Period na talaga; wala nang exclamation point. (When asked on S-Files if her present husband, Adam Lawyer, is her Mr. Right.).
* * *
At a talk show after her break-up with Derek Dee, Melanie was asked if she had some words for Derek’s mother (whom she partly blamed for the separation). “Oo nga,” said Melanie, “pero i-English-in ko para maintindihan niya.” She looked into the camera and, with the peremptoriness of royalty, said, “And to you, Mrs. Dee, I have two words for you. Ang labo mo!”
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
MRS: Bakit ngayon ka lang?
MR: Pasensha na, nagyaya mga officemates ko, nagkainuman lang. Hehe!
MRS: Lasing ka no?
MR: Ako, lasing? Hindi!
MRS: Anong hindi?! 'La ka namang trabaho, pano ka nagka-officemates?
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
Three Feelings:
What is the difference between stress, tension and panic?
Stress is when your wife is pregnant,
Tension is when your girlfriend is pregnant,
Panic is when both are pregnant...
Juan: Pre, higpit din ng nanay ko, ibalik ko daw yun gamit pagkatapos gamitin kung saan ko kinuha.
Pedro : Yun lang naman pala e...so?
Juan: Ayun, di maubos ubos toothpick namin!!!
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
Sa honeymoon:
Lalake: Darling - pwede?
Babae: Meron ako eh.
L: Sa pwet?
B: May almoranas ako.
L: Sa bunganga?
B: May sore throat ako.
Naasar si lalake- sinakal si babae at sinabi:
wag mong sabihing may sipon ka rin!!!
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
Melanie Marquez's quotes:
My brother is not a girl; he’s a gentleman.
* * *
That’s why I’m a success, it’s because I don’t middle in other people’s lives.
* * *
Don’t judge my brother; he’s not a book.
* * *
I won’t stoop down to my level.
* * *
Hello? Bulag ka ba? Bingi ka ba? Are you dep?
* * *
‘Yung STD, baka sa maruming toilet lang niya nakuha yan.
* * *
Eh, ikaw ba naman, durugin ang ari mo… Pag di ka naman manutok ng baril.
* * *
We are lovers, not fighters.
* * *
Kapatid ko pa rin siya. We are one and the same.
* * *
I don’t eat meat. I’m not a carnival.
* * *
Eto na po ang pinakamaligayang pasko at manigong taon sa inyong lahat. (During her acceptance speech at a Metro Filmfest awards night where her bioflick, directed by her late father Temyong Marquez, won an award.)
* * *
Sumasakit ang migraine ko.
* * *
Ang tatay ko ang only living legend na buhay!
* * *
Period na talaga; wala nang exclamation point. (When asked on S-Files if her present husband, Adam Lawyer, is her Mr. Right.).
* * *
At a talk show after her break-up with Derek Dee, Melanie was asked if she had some words for Derek’s mother (whom she partly blamed for the separation). “Oo nga,” said Melanie, “pero i-English-in ko para maintindihan niya.” She looked into the camera and, with the peremptoriness of royalty, said, “And to you, Mrs. Dee, I have two words for you. Ang labo mo!”
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
MRS: Bakit ngayon ka lang?
MR: Pasensha na, nagyaya mga officemates ko, nagkainuman lang. Hehe!
MRS: Lasing ka no?
MR: Ako, lasing? Hindi!
MRS: Anong hindi?! 'La ka namang trabaho, pano ka nagka-officemates?
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
Three Feelings:
What is the difference between stress, tension and panic?
Stress is when your wife is pregnant,
Tension is when your girlfriend is pregnant,
Panic is when both are pregnant...
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Misis: Hudas ka! lagi kang umuuwing lasing. Naaasar na tuloy ako sa mukha mo.
Mister: Pero mahal, kung hindi ako lasing, ako naman ang maaasar sa mukha mo!
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
theme songs ng mag asawa:
1-10 years: Araw-Araw, Gabi-Gabi
11-20 years: Saan Ka Man Naroroon
21-30 years: Gaano Kadalas ang Minsan
31-50 years: Maala Ala Mo Kaya
51-60 years: Panginoon, Maawa ka
61-70 above: Kunin mo o Diyos
LIFE's cycle:
3 to 8 years old: paramihan ng toys
9 to 18: pataasan ng grades
19 to 25: padamihan ng syota
26 to 35: pagandahan ng asawa
36 to 45: palakihan ng income
46 to 55: padamihan, pagandahan at pabataan ng kabit
56 to 70: padamihan ng sakit
71 and above: pabonggahan ng libing! hahahaha!
essence of smell in life:
Lotion for babies
Cologne for the 20's
Efficacent oil for the 40's
Bawang and Luya for the 60's
Beyond 60's..... Formalin na.
different prayers of single women:
At 15: Lord give me superMAN
At 18: Lord give me a cute MAN
At 20: Lord give me the best MAN
At 30: Lord give me a good MAN
At 40: Lord give me a MAN
At 50: Lord give me sino MAN
At 60: Lord maawa ka naMAN
At 70: Lord kaya ko pa naMAN
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
Usapan ng tatlong lalaki...
Tulume: Ang tanga ng misis ko. Bumili ng answering machine, wala naman kaming telepono.
Juan: Mas tanga ang misis ko. Bumili ng scanner, wala naman kaming computer.
Kulas: Pinakatanga ang misis ko. Lagi siyang may condom sa bag, wala naman siyang ano...
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
Jun-Jun: Inay! Ako lang ang nakasagot sa tanong ng titser namin kanina!
Inay: Very good! Ano ba ang tanong ng titser ninyo?
Jun-Jun: "Sino ang walang assignment?"...
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
Merong isang lantsang lumubog sa karagatang napaliligiran ng mga pating.
Sa kabutihang palad merong apat na tao (Amerikano, Ruso, Instik at Pilipino) nakaligtas at nakasakay sila sa nag-iisang life raft. Nang basahin nila ang capacity ng life raft ay isa lang ang pwede makagamit nito.
Umiral ang pagka bayani ng kano, tumayo ito at sabi "Long Live America". Tsap-tsap-tsap kain ng mga pating.
Nag isip din ang Ruso tumayo na rin at sabi sa salita nila "Mabuhay ang mg Ruso, sabay talon". Tsap-tsap-tsap kain din ng mga pating.
Natira ang dalawa (Intsik at Pilipino nagpapakiramdaman). Makalipas ang ilang sandali kasi malapit na lumubog ang raft , tumayo na ang pinoy at sumigaw "mabuhay ang pilipinas" sabay sipa sa intsik (segurista kasi di magogoyo). Tsap-tsap-tsap kain din ng pating.
Mister: Pero mahal, kung hindi ako lasing, ako naman ang maaasar sa mukha mo!
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
theme songs ng mag asawa:
1-10 years: Araw-Araw, Gabi-Gabi
11-20 years: Saan Ka Man Naroroon
21-30 years: Gaano Kadalas ang Minsan
31-50 years: Maala Ala Mo Kaya
51-60 years: Panginoon, Maawa ka
61-70 above: Kunin mo o Diyos
LIFE's cycle:
3 to 8 years old: paramihan ng toys
9 to 18: pataasan ng grades
19 to 25: padamihan ng syota
26 to 35: pagandahan ng asawa
36 to 45: palakihan ng income
46 to 55: padamihan, pagandahan at pabataan ng kabit
56 to 70: padamihan ng sakit
71 and above: pabonggahan ng libing! hahahaha!
essence of smell in life:
Lotion for babies
Cologne for the 20's
Efficacent oil for the 40's
Bawang and Luya for the 60's
Beyond 60's..... Formalin na.
different prayers of single women:
At 15: Lord give me superMAN
At 18: Lord give me a cute MAN
At 20: Lord give me the best MAN
At 30: Lord give me a good MAN
At 40: Lord give me a MAN
At 50: Lord give me sino MAN
At 60: Lord maawa ka naMAN
At 70: Lord kaya ko pa naMAN
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
Usapan ng tatlong lalaki...
Tulume: Ang tanga ng misis ko. Bumili ng answering machine, wala naman kaming telepono.
Juan: Mas tanga ang misis ko. Bumili ng scanner, wala naman kaming computer.
Kulas: Pinakatanga ang misis ko. Lagi siyang may condom sa bag, wala naman siyang ano...
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
Jun-Jun: Inay! Ako lang ang nakasagot sa tanong ng titser namin kanina!
Inay: Very good! Ano ba ang tanong ng titser ninyo?
Jun-Jun: "Sino ang walang assignment?"...
cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone,cellphone
Merong isang lantsang lumubog sa karagatang napaliligiran ng mga pating.
Sa kabutihang palad merong apat na tao (Amerikano, Ruso, Instik at Pilipino) nakaligtas at nakasakay sila sa nag-iisang life raft. Nang basahin nila ang capacity ng life raft ay isa lang ang pwede makagamit nito.
Umiral ang pagka bayani ng kano, tumayo ito at sabi "Long Live America". Tsap-tsap-tsap kain ng mga pating.
Nag isip din ang Ruso tumayo na rin at sabi sa salita nila "Mabuhay ang mg Ruso, sabay talon". Tsap-tsap-tsap kain din ng mga pating.
Natira ang dalawa (Intsik at Pilipino nagpapakiramdaman). Makalipas ang ilang sandali kasi malapit na lumubog ang raft , tumayo na ang pinoy at sumigaw "mabuhay ang pilipinas" sabay sipa sa intsik (segurista kasi di magogoyo). Tsap-tsap-tsap kain din ng pating.
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